DIVORCE AND NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
Insight and resources for navigating divorce, custody, co-parenting, and more
when your former partner has narcissistic personality disorder
Separation and divorce can be a difficult process, both emotionally and legally. But when a partner demonstrates narcissistic traits, it becomes even more complex, with the already murky process growing even muddier as personality concerns and challenging behaviors are layered on.
You may not be sure of your options or what steps are best, since a relationship with someone who embodies these traits is ever-changing.
But you don’t have to feel this way. And you don’t have to leave your future up in the air. You can take an empowered approach to the situation.
It’s important to work with an experienced divorce lawyer who understands narcissistic personality disorder, as they have the tools to help you navigate this uniquely complex type of divorce. With knowledgeable legal support and a sound team of advisors, you can plan for a better tomorrow for yourself and your family.
Contact our team to schedule your strategic planning session
De-Stressing Your Divorce When Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is Involved
Manipulation, lack of empathy, desire for control—the same traits that make being married to a narcissistic spouse so unnerving also add layers of complexity to divorcing or separating from one.
Identifying the most effective tactics for responding to different scenarios can give you a strategic advantage during this time—and working with a team familiar with what you’re facing every day can reduce your own stress, enabling you to act confidently and with a clear head.
Establish boundaries to protect your well-being
Narcissists often try to control the dynamic of separation, divorce, and co-parenting, just as they seek to have the upper hand in romantic or intimate partnerships and familial relationships.
Setting boundaries is crucial to maintaining your autonomy and preserving your energy so you can focus on the right things, particularly when it comes to contact. Your attorney can help you think through the boundaries that are right for you, both legally and emotionally, and help you implement practical steps to protect your interests.
Create strategies for handling conflict
Knowing your options for responding to (rather than reacting to) narcissistic behavior will make it easier to react calmly and strategically to problematic behaviors. Understanding how these responses fit into your overall legal strategy can help diminish the overwhelm of the divorce process and help you restore stability to your day-to-day life.
An attorney who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder and other Cluster B personality disorders, as well as high-conflict divorce generally, can work with you to establish a plan for addressing stressful situations (and there can be lots of them when you’re divorcing a narcissist) so you can focus your energy on your future.
Set goals for the future you want
By keeping your sights set on your goals and what you want your life to look like, it’s possible to emerge from the process of divorcing a narcissist stronger and happier than before. We can help you see beyond the “here and now” so that you can bring the picture of your desired future into sharper focus.
We know you may be most concerned about putting one foot in front of the other right now. Our job at Jacobs Berger is to be future-focused even when that feels impossible for you. Contact our team to coordinate your strategic planning session.
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Meet the Legal Challenges Your Narcissistic Ex Throws at You Head On
Narcissists aren’t known for fighting fairly, which can make an already bumpy ride feel more like a rollercoaster. Your ex may use their go-to behaviors, such as manipulative tactics, including gaslighting or stonewalling, to try to “win” at parenting time, financial support, and other key issues. This can slow the legal process down (and often, it’s done intentionally).
However, working with an attorney who has experience with the tactics narcissists often employ is a good way to sustain forward momentum. (And keep you from getting discouraged!)
Legal challenges of
divorcing a narcissist
Battles about co-parenting, child custody, and parenting time plans
Your former partner may have been a hands-off or even neglectful parent before, but they’re likely to put on a show for the court.
They may view co-parenting as a competition and insist on extra parenting time (all while refusing to pay child support or follow your court-ordered custody agreement).
Strategies for dealing
with them
Identify clear goals to protect your energy and well-being
Sometimes you win the battle, but not the war. This old saying is apt for thinking about dissolving a marriage with a narcissist.
When divorcing a narcissist, it’s challenging (if not impossible) to negotiate in good faith and can be painful to go “head-to-head” with them. But while their primary focus is winning, that doesn’t mean that taking a different tactic means you “lose.”
Instead, you and your attorney can work to identify what outcomes are truly important to you and help focus your energy there. This conserves your emotional—and sometimes financial resources—and helps you choose the “battles” you fight.
Lack of cooperation and refusal to follow through on agreements
An inflated sense of self-importance often leads narcissists to believe that rules don’t apply to them.
Don’t be surprised if you get pushback on the discovery process or even court orders.
Document everything thoroughly
Documenting all agreements and interactions with your soon-to-be ex may seem like a small thing, but the way you document things and communicate is power here.
This strategy makes it easier to track (and prove) their behavior and protect yourself legally and financially. It also begins to set a new dynamic, which you can rely upon once the divorce is finalized.
If the idea of adding more to your plate right now sounds overwhelming, know that this is something your divorce attorney can help you with by identifying what exactly you need to record and how to do it in a manageable way.
Stonewalling during negotiations
Narcissists often use stalling tactics to try to control the situation and wear down their former partner.
Be prepared for your ex to “forget” important paperwork and dates, make unreasonable demands, or withhold information necessary for a fair settlement.
Educate yourself on legal processes
Delay tactics can be distressing, especially when all you want is to be on the other side of this experience. But the divorce process doesn’t last forever, even when you’re divorcing a narcissist.
During this time, your attorney can provide clear explanations of how divorce works, the processes involved, and what your options are.
With this information in hand, you can gain much-needed peace of mind when your former spouse tries to delay things yet again.
Legal challenges of divorcing a narcissist
Battles about co-parenting, child custody, and parenting time plans
Your former partner may have been a hands-off or even neglectful parent before, but they’re likely to put on a show for the court.
They may view co-parenting as a competition and insist on extra parenting time (all while refusing to pay child support or follow your court-ordered custody agreement).
Lack of cooperation and refusal to follow through on agreements
An inflated sense of self-importance often leads narcissists to believe that rules don’t apply to them.
Don’t be surprised if you get pushback on the discovery process or even court orders.
Stonewalling during negotiations
Narcissists often use stalling tactics to try to control the situation and wear down their former partner.
Be prepared for your ex to “forget” important paperwork and dates, make unreasonable demands, or withhold information necessary for a fair settlement.
Strategies for dealing with them
Identify clear goals to protect your energy and well-being
Sometimes you win the battle, but not the war. This old saying is apt for thinking about dissolving a marriage with a narcissist.
When divorcing a narcissist, it’s challenging (if not impossible) to negotiate in good faith and can be painful to go “head-to-head” with them. But while their primary focus is winning, that doesn’t mean that taking a different tactic means you “lose.”
Instead, you and your attorney can work to identify what outcomes are truly important to you and help focus your energy there. This conserves your emotional—and sometimes financial resources—and helps you choose the “battles” you fight.
Document everything thoroughly
Documenting all agreements and interactions with your soon-to-be ex may seem like a small thing, but the way you document things and communicate is power here.
This strategy makes it easier to track (and prove) their behavior and protect yourself legally and financially. It also begins to set a new dynamic, which you can rely upon once the divorce is finalized.
If the idea of adding more to your plate right now sounds overwhelming, know that this is something your divorce attorney can help you with by identifying what exactly you need to record and how to do it in a manageable way.
Educate yourself on legal processes
Delay tactics can be distressing, especially when all you want is to be on the other side of this experience. But the divorce process doesn’t last forever, even when you’re divorcing a narcissist.
During this time, your attorney can provide clear explanations of how divorce works, the processes involved, and what your options are.
With this information in hand, you can gain much-needed peace of mind when your former spouse tries to delay things yet again.
a strong network of trusted professional resources. Together, we’ll help you navigate the
challenges you’re facing right now while planning for your future.
Experience, Strategy, and Support for Navigating Divorce and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Getting divorced involves making decisions that can have a lasting impact on you and your family, from finances to living arrangements, co-parenting, and more. And when you have the added complexity of narcissistic personality disorder in the picture, it can be tough to know what the right choices are.
At Jacobs Berger, we know these decisions—and this experience—are hard. That’s why we’ve built our firm’s philosophy around de-stressing divorce. We take a collaborative approach to working with our clients, focusing on tailored solutions, clear communication, and a practical, forward-facing approach.
Learn more about our team of attorneys who are committed to helping you.
Sarah J. Jacobs, Esq.
A Matrimonial Law Attorney Certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey and a Qualified Family Law Mediator, Sarah Jacobs, Co-Founder of Jacobs Berger, is dedicated to protecting the interests of clients in family law proceedings.
Jamie N. Berger, Esq.
Jamie N. Berger is a Co-Founder of Jacobs Berger and practices exclusively in the area of family law. She has extensive experience in all aspects of litigation in family and appellate court proceedings.
Holly M. Friedland, Esq.
Holly M. Friedland is a matrimonial attorney at Jacobs Berger, and handles all family law matters including divorce, mediation and collaborative law. She has volunteered her services since 2006 to the Battered Women’s Legal Advocacy Project and is now co-chair.
Amanda P. Johnston, Esq.
Amanda P. Johnston is a matrimonial attorney exclusively practicing all types of family law, from divorce, custody and alimony to domestic violence and restraining orders.
Contact our team to coordinate your strategic planning session
Frequently Asked Questions About Divorcing a Narcissist Partner
How do I know if my former partner is a narcissist
A person doesn’t need to have narcissistic personality disorder to exhibit narcissistic traits that make divorce more difficult.
If you’re wondering if your ex is a narcissist, ask yourself:
- Do they always have to be right
- Do they alternate between self-importance and low self-worth?
- Do they seem to need constant praise?
- Do they avoid situations where they won’t be the center of attention or have the upper hand?
- Do they lack empathy for you or your children?
These are just some of the traits and complex behaviors that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder can display. However, there are a few important caveats to explore.
To begin, obtaining an official diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is notoriously difficult. Mental health and personality disorders are complex, and diagnoses require insight from trained professionals, along with cooperation from the individual (which can be difficult to get if your ex is a narcissist).
Moreover, as it relates to your divorce, it may be unproductive to label someone as having narcissistic personality disorder because they exhibit the above traits. Instead, focusing on strategies for dealing with them may benefit you more in the long run.
What legal tactics might someone with narcissistic personality disorder use to lash out during a divorce?
Your soon-to-be ex-spouse may attempt to intimidate, control, or harass you by:
- Filing meritless lawsuits
- Refusing to cooperate with the court
- Filing baseless motions and endless appeals
- Making false allegations of domestic violence or child neglect
A knowledgeable family law attorney well-versed in the tricks narcissists try to play can help you navigate these extra challenges in the most cost-effective manner possible.
Why do I need a family law attorney familiar with narcissistic personality disorder, other Cluster B personality disorders, and high-conflict divorce?
Narcissists are often skilled manipulators who try to use the legal system to their advantage. They may try to charm the judge, damage your reputation, or stall the divorce process with endless motions and unreasonable demands.
An attorney with experience with these tactics is best positioned to protect you. They can recognize the narcissist’s bluffs, advocate for your boundaries, and help you avoid possible delays.
What communication methods work best when divorcing a narcissistic partner with children?
You should avoid phone calls and in-person discussions about important issues to the extent possible. Instead, consider downloading a co-parenting app to create a neutral space for communication and easily document your interactions.
But while documentation can provide valuable legal support when you’re divorcing a narcissistic partner, know that your former partner may try to use documented communications against you. Being aware of this possibility can help you create a plan for how you communicate and what boundaries to set. (If you’re unsure what this would look like for you, your divorce attorney can help you!)
What are Cluster B personality disorders?
Cluster B personality disorders are a group of personality disorders characterized by dramatic and unpredictable behavior. A hallmark of these disorders is that their symptoms cause discord within relationships. This may be part of the reason you’re seeking a divorce in the first place.
If your former partner has a Cluster B personality disorder, in particular, you may need to be prepared for less cooperation and more conflict than one might expect in an average divorce.
As attorneys, we won’t attempt to diagnose your spouse or offer psychological advice. That said, we’ve seen our fair share of high-conflict divorces involving all types of personality disorders.
Every person—and every experience with personality disorder—is different, but there are some common patterns to look for.
Borderline personality disorder: Unstable emotions, self-destructive decisions, and potential suicidal ideation during the divorce process, which may make communication more difficult.
Histrionic personality disorder: Dramatic, attention-seeking outbursts and manipulative behavior curated to win favor from the court and your social circle.
Antisocial personality disorder: Aggressive or even violent behavior and heightened impulsivity that can negatively impact discovery and negotiations.
