Whether you’re shuttling kids to activities, reading Captain Underpants for the hundredth time, or enjoying a weekend game night, parenting is full of lots of little moments. Some you’ll savor, others you’re more inclined to let time fade away.
But they all make up your life as a parent.
However, when you share parenting time, while the moments all still matter, the logistics of those moments can get complicated. Responsibility for extracurricular activities, negotiating different approaches to bedtime routines, and who gets the weekends—these are just a few of the things you’ll need to figure out.
Parenting doesn’t pause while you’re getting your co-parenting feet underneath you. However, understanding how parenting plans work makes it easier to get started.
What is “parenting time”?
The goal of parenting time is to make sure your child gets quality time with each parent, while keeping a sense of normalcy and balance in their life. In New Jersey, a parenting time plan typically includes details about:
- Weekday and weekend schedules
- Holiday and vacation arrangements
- Transportation details
- Communication between parents and kids
Parenting time plans vary based on factors like:
- The age of a child
- Parental work schedules
- Distance between parents’ residences
- The child’s individual needs (e.g., health, educational, or religious concerns)
- Existing routines
Parents sometimes confuse “parenting time” with “custody,” so it’s important to clarify the differences. While parenting time deals with the logistics of “when” and “how” your child spends time with each parent, your custody arrangement focuses on issues like decision-making power and residence (i.e., legal and physical custody).
How is a parenting time plan decided?
Parenting time plans don’t materialize out of thin air. They’re the product of a lot of discussion and coordination. How that discussion and coordination takes place, though, can vary.
There are several general paths to a parenting time plan:
- Mutual agreement
- Mediation
- Court order
There’s no one right way to go about this; for some co-parents, it may be best to work through issues via mediation. For others, going through the courts provides the accountability needed for successful outcomes.
As we proceed through the talking points below, note that this reflects a general overview of what needs to be considered. Each parenting time plan—and the path necessary to create it—will look different.
How to create a parenting time plan
An effective parenting time plan works for both parents and meets the child’s needs—though it’s often easier said than done.
To minimize frustration from the outside, discuss your goals, needs, and concerns with your attorney. They can help you prioritize what’s most important and navigate the sometimes difficult parenting time conversations.
Here’s an overview of what to expect.
You’ll need to figure out the details
Parenting, as a general rule, involves a lot of details, so it follows that a parenting time plan also includes a lot of details. Some of the questions you and your co-parenting might need to decide include:
What does your schedule look like?
- What are your weekday and weekend schedules?
- How will you handle holiday and vacation arrangements?
- What about special occasions like birthdays?
- When and where will you do pick-ups and drop-offs?
- How will you handle transportation?
How will you and your co-parent communicate?
- What are the primary methods of communication (text, phone, email, co-parenting app?)
- What will be the process for making decisions about education, health care, and religious upbringing (if you share legal custody)
- How are you going to share information about your child’s activities and development?
This can be a lot to coordinate so consider using a shared calendar to manage schedules and minimize potential conflict.
Keep your focus on your child’s best interest
Every family is different, but understanding your child’s needs at different stages of their development can help you create a plan that supports their emotional well-being. Here are some age-specific questions to consider:
- For infants: If your child is an infant, how can you structure parenting time to build strong, secure attachments while keeping feeding and sleeping routines consistent? Will the plan allow for flexibility without undermining predictability?
- For preschoolers: Little ones thrive on routine, but a bit of flexibility is helpful for special occasions or unexpected changes. How will you handle unplanned playdates or sick days? Does your agreement include a clear dispute resolution process for situations like unplanned events or differing approaches to discipline?
- For school-age children: As kids get older, extracurricular activities, school projects, and social events start filling up the calendar. How can the plan accommodate their academic responsibilities and extracurricular activities? Are there practical ways that both parents can stay involved in important events like parent-teacher conferences and school performances?
- For teenagers: Teenagers can benefit from a plan that acknowledges their growing autonomy. Are there provisions that allow flexibility for their changing social and academic commitments while keeping parenting time equitable?
By tailoring your parenting time plan to your child’s age and stage of development, you can meet their needs while creating a realistic plan for you and your co-parent. The key is to stay adaptable and keep communication open as your child grows.
Always plan for the unexpected
Life is unpredictable, and it’s important that your parenting plan includes how you’ll handle unforeseen events like illness or changes to your work schedule.
Backup plans should include provisions for:
- Requesting changes to the schedule
- Plans for make-up time if visits are missed
- Arrangements in case of unexpected events or emergencies
- Plans for out-of-state travel or relocation
This back-up plan should also include how to communicate changes to the child in a way that minimizes stress.
Common issues encountered when making a parenting time plan
Acknowledging the potential issues in advance can make it easier to address them if they come up. Some of the most common challenges include the following:
Scheduling disagreements
Co-parents often have differing opinions about what a fair and balanced distribution of parenting time might look like—and sometimes those disagreements are tricky to resolve.
If you and your co-parent are struggling to find common ground, you might need to re-evaluate your expectations and assess how each of your needs can be accommodated. This isn’t always easy, but there are ways to encourage this.
For example, mediation can be helpful by encouraging solution-focused conversations that focus on making decisions in your child’s best interests rather than revisiting past frustrations with your co-parent.
Logistical challenges
Having a child is an exercise in logistical planning—but co-parenting takes it to another level. Differences in schedules, geographic distances, and extracurricular commitments complicate even the most practical parenting time plan.
Working with an attorney experienced in parenting time plans is vital—they can help you build a plan that accounts for all the practical, day-to-day aspects of parenting time plans with an eye towards being flexible enough to survive changes with time.
Emotional strain
Figuring out how to co-parent is hard and you don’t learn how to do it overnight. It takes time and commitment. Remember, the focus should always be on your child’s best interests rather than your personal conflicts with your co-parent.
If you’re struggling emotionally as you work towards a parenting time plan, tell your attorney what’s on your mind. They’re there to support you through the process, and to connect you with resources if needed.
Adapting to change
Your parenting plan should be flexible enough to accommodate change. Be prepared to adjust as needed to reflect shifts in the child’s and parents’ lives. It’s a good idea to review the parenting time plan occasionally to ensure it’s still a good fit.
Let’s say your child has regularly attended a sleep-away summer camp for the past five years, and your parenting time agreement was created to reflect that. If your child ages out of the camp or no longer wants to go, you might revisit your parenting time plan to account for new summer plans.
Significant changes in your life, such as job changes, relocation, remarriage, or disability, might also trigger a review. The goal is to keep the parenting time plan in line with your family’s needs.
What happens if the parenting time plan is violated?
Whether because of a consistent pattern of issued exchanges or outright denial of parenting time, it can be stressful and disruptive when a parenting plan isn’t followed. Here’s how to address violations of parenting time plans:
- Direct communication. The best first step can be to attempt to resolve the issue directly with the other parent. Often, misunderstandings can be clarified without escalating the situation.
- Documentation. Keep detailed records of each violation including dates, times, and any communication exchanged. This documentation can be crucial if legal action becomes necessary down the road.
- Mediation. If direct communication is unsuccessful, consider involving a neutral third party to help facilitate a resolution. A mediator can help co-parents or guardians find common ground and reach a mutually agreeable outcome.
- Legal recourse. In cases of persistent or egregious violations, it might be necessary to seek legal intervention and enforcement through the court. New Jersey views parenting time violations seriously and may impose penalties or modify existing parenting time plans in order to ensure continued compliance.
Work with an experienced New Jersey parenting time attorney
If you need guidance on parenting time in New Jersey, it is possible to destress the process. At Jacobs Berger, our child custody lawyers can work with you to create a future-minded parenting plan.
Reach out to us to schedule a strategic planning session today.
