You’ve figured out custody and support agreements, and you’re finding your stride in a new routine.
Then, life throws a curveball.
Whether due to career changes, family obligations, or simple life circumstances and preferences, you or your co-parent need to or want to make a move out of state. The whole logistical house of cards you worked so hard to build starts to wobble.
But it doesn’t have to. With skill, thoughtful collaboration, and some planning, it is possible to maintain a relatively stress-free parenting time arrangement across state lines.
Child custody and relocation basics
What are the rules for moving across state lines when you share custody of your child? That’s one of the first questions that comes to mind for co-parents when relocation is on the table.
Let’s put the most important thing out there first: to move out of state with your child, you need consent or a court order first.
But there are layers to consider beyond that.
If one parent contests the move of another parent in joint custody agreements…
…the court will decide which situation is in the best interest of the child, sometimes not allowing the child to move or even giving custody to the other parent.
If a move is allowed, the court will need to decide what parenting time arrangement is in the best interest of the child, considering the physical distance, time difference, and a variety of other factors.
If one parent has sole physical custody, or the other parent has minimal, limited or no parenting time…
…a move out of state presents fewer logistical hurdles.
The non-custodial parent’s time arrangement can be modified to include video calls and longer visitations during school breaks and holidays. While this is not meant to replace an ongoing in person schedule, depending on the circumstances, it can be appropriate.
These “basics” can be complicated when it’s necessary to parallel parent rather than co-parent. As you’re making decisions around parenting time across state lines in a parallel parenting situation, avoid exposing your child to conflicts and frustrations between you and their other parent. If possible, consider working with a mediator to keep conversations productive and solution-focused.
Factors to consider when you’re renegotiating your parenting time arrangement
Fortunately, parenting time arrangements can be revised to accommodate life circumstances.
Parents can attempt mediation, a collaborative process in which a neutral third party helps them reach a mutually acceptable solution. If mediation fails or isn’t a viable option, the court system offers a formal process for adjusting parenting agreements.
In either option, working with an attorney is essential to developing a strategy that considers your unique circumstances. During this process, several factors are taken into account.
Distance of relocation
Whether custodial parents relocate mere miles apart over state lines or cross-country, parenting plans need to be adjusted and filed with the court. While families can get creative with solutions, longer distances apart can pose greater challenges and require more collaboration with the co-parent.
Parents should discuss how these will impact the frequency of visits around school, holidays, and work schedules for all parties, as well as logistical planning and travel costs.
Parenting time plans should clearly outline whether one parent will bear the burden of plane or bus tickets, gas costs, and the mental load of planning visits or if those pieces will be shared between co-parents. Including these provisions can reduce the potential for conflict and, if you’re parallel parenting, the need for extensive back and forth.
Parenting time plans and schedules
Perhaps one of the most important ways to ensure consistency and stability for the child is to work collaboratively as parents to maintain routines across state lines. It’s best to outline and attempt to mirror schedules from one household to the other and include school, sleep, and extracurricular activities in the plan.
This scope should not only include how schedules are consistent across residences but also how and when visits can take place around the constraints of the child’s sports or activity schedule and both parents’ work and personal lives.
Shared calendars can be a true lifesaver to minimize confusion and misunderstanding, especially if parents have a history of high-conflict communications or are choosing to parallel parent rather than co-parent.
It’s also advised that a contingency agreement be included in the parenting time plan so each party knows how to communicate about scheduling changes or disruptions. Having a shared plan that both co-parents agree to for rescheduling can keep the boat from rocking too much when unexpected situations arise.
Dealing with parenting time challenges
However, this is often easier said than done. Relocating—and the adjustments that go along with it—can exacerbate existing tensions in co-parenting relationships. Perhaps one parent refuses to reliably use a shared calendar. Or perhaps they repeatedly make scheduling changes with little notice.
These situations can be frustrating to deal with, both logistically and emotionally. It’s important to document issues you’re having as they come up and discuss them with your attorney. Mediation may be a helpful strategy to address issues while minimizing conflict, whether the goal is to update your parenting time arrangement or simply clear the air in a productive way.
However, to the extent that parents can, detailing in any agreement what the default will be in case where disputes arise or communication becomes challenging is best for long-term viability of parenting time plans.
Holidays
Holidays pose a unique challenge for parents sharing custody from different states, and the reasons for this are twofold.
First, there can be clear disagreements about who gets to spend which holidays with the child. Since holidays are often sentimentally and emotionally charged, it can be difficult to see what is in the child’s best interest. It’s best to mediate a clearly delineated plan for annual holidays and establish a system for taking turns or pivoting as necessary.
Second, as holidays often involve long-standing traditions, talk through how to share and honor those regardless of where the child is for any given holiday. Of course, these don’t need to be exactly mirrored, but it’s considerate to make an effort to maintain consistency for the child.
(If, however, you and your child’s other parent are parallel parenting, it may be necessary to allow the other parent their autonomy in some of these things. Pick and choose where your energy is best spent so you can focus on your time with your child.)
Vacations
Vacations can be a time for creating new memories together, but as co-parents navigate distance and busy schedules, there can be conflict about how to spend those moments with the child.
Similar to scheduling regular parenting time, vacation planning requires finesse, flexibility, and open communication. These should be built into the agreed-upon custody and parenting time plan, with clear expectations to maintain communication and routines during travel.
Communication
Agreements should include not only a schedule for connecting with parents during visits, but also the means through which such communication takes place.
How will you communicate?
For instance, will there be video calls, emails, or texts? If any technology or internet service is required, will those costs be shared between parents? Who actually initiates the call or video visit when the child is too young to do it themselves? Setting these expectations for communicating with the child and for the parents to communicate with one another will be vital when hiccups naturally occur.
Who needs to be communicated with?
You can go one step further and include parameters for consistent communication with relatives. Will both households make weekly phone calls to grandma or family friends? Knowing that consistency is established and routines remain in place provides security for the child in what might be an otherwise unsteady time.
How are parents managing their communications?
For co-parents who have an amicable relationship, this may be less of an issue, but for those who have a high-conflict relationship, it’s helpful to spell out appropriate channels for sharing information.
Parallel parents may benefit, for example, when they rely on written forms of communication such as email or text messages to discuss necessary logistics. This approach helps maintain records of all interactions to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts.
A child custody attorney can help create a customized parenting time arrangement that works
Co-parenting, in general, but especially across long distances, requires a strong commitment to making collaborative decisions and being flexible and respectful of one another’s lifestyles.
While many parents choose to draft their own formal agreements and then file them with the court, finding amicable solutions without support can be difficult. Family law attorneys can help mediate the process of creating a parenting time plan while ensuring the best interests of the child and all parties involved.
