When something is unfamiliar, we tend to lean on assumptions. It’s how the brain works: We rely on mental shortcuts—what psychology calls schemas—to interpret new experiences based on patterns we’ve already seen or heard.
It’s efficient, but can also lead us in the wrong direction.
Divorce is a prime example. It’s a complex process layered with emotional, legal, and financial weight. Yet most people enter it with mental models shaped by popular media or stories from friends. Mediation often gets overlooked—or misunderstood—as a result.
But mediation isn’t a niche legal option. It’s part of the formal process in many divorces, and under the right conditions, it can offer a more direct and practical approach to what can be an overwhelming time.
But before couples decide if mediation makes sense for them, it helps to clear up a few common misconceptions.
Misconception #1: Mediation agreements don’t carry legal weight
Some people hear “mediation” and assume the outcome is optional. Since it happens outside of a courtroom, the thinking goes, the agreement must be informal or non-binding. That isn’t accurate.
When spouses reach an agreement through mandatory court mediation, their attorneys can review that agreement, submit it to the court, and enter it as part of the divorce judgment. If agreements are reached through private mediation, often attorneys are already part of the process, and the final settlement agreement is prepared after mediation ends, or as part of the mediation process. Once papers are finalized and submitted to the court, the terms are legally enforceable under New Jersey law, just like any other court order.
Legally enforceable agreements aren’t limited to the end of the road, either. During mediation, you can also reach binding agreements, e.g. for temporary custody or alimony, to provide support and structure during your divorce. However, these interim agreements need to be in writing and executed, not just a verbal acknowledgement of the need.
Similarly, mediation is often built into the court-based divorce process in New Jersey, particularly for matters involving finances and parenting. Economic mediation becomes mandatory if parties can’t resolve financial issues following their appearance at the Early Settlement Panel. And when custody or parenting time is at issue, mediation relating to the children is often one of the first steps the court requires.
Mediation also gives families more room to work through the details. For example, parenting arrangements can be shaped around school transitions, therapy appointments, or weekly scheduling needs—specifics that might not be addressed as thoroughly in a court order. Once finalized and approved, those agreements carry the same legal authority.
Misconception #2: Mediation works equally well for all situations
Some couples benefit from mediation. Others don’t—and there are good reasons why.
For mediation to be effective, both spouses need to be able to participate openly. If there’s a history of coercion or domestic violence, limited access to financial information, or issues relating to mental health concerns or addiction, , mediation may not provide the structure or legal protections necessary to support a fair outcome.
Likewise, if the parties who say they want to mediate cannot, under any circumstances cannot consider each other’s positions due to a total breakdown in communication, mediation may be unsuccessful. Consider a situation where one spouse has withheld financial information. Until those disclosures are addressed, mediation can’t move forward in a meaningful or equitable way.
That doesn’t mean mediation is completely off the table. In some high-conflict cases, it may still work with the right setup. One option is shuttle mediation, otherwise known as caucus, where each spouse works separately with the mediator or the mediator and their own attorney.
Consider situations where the two parties have difficulty speaking directly, for example, co-parents locked in a custody dispute. Shuttle mediation allows them to minimize combative exchanges while preserving the benefits of mediation, such as customized solutions and increased privacy.
Misconception #3: Mediation won’t work in complex cases
Mediation isn’t reserved for amicable divorces or low-stakes situations. It can be particularly effective when there are multiple moving parts, especially when both parties want to avoid the delays and procedural limits of the courtroom.
New Jersey allows mediation to be used alongside litigation. Some spouses mediate specific parts of their case, such as how to divide retirement accounts or determine parenting schedules, while continuing to litigate other matters. This flexibility can reduce overall conflict and keep the focus on what matters most.
Here’s one example: Spouses who co-own a business may use mediation to develop a phased buyout plan or agree on shared management for a limited time. These are not easy arrangements to reach in court, where time is limited and outcomes are often more rigid.
Misconception #4: The mediator decides the outcome
The word “mediator” sometimes causes confusion. People may think of them as a judge who hears both sides and makes a final ruling. That’s not their role. That belongs to the role of an arbitrator.
Mediators don’t make decisions at the mediation table. They don’t take sides, impose terms, and are not supposed to give legal advice. Their job is to facilitate conversation, surface areas of disagreement, and help guide discussions so both parties can work toward agreement.
Final decisions are made by the spouses themselves. This is where legal counsel plays a key role. Attorneys help assess proposals, clarify potential consequences, and ensure that their client fully understands what they agree to, both now and in the future.
In some cases, mediation may stop progressing. If one party stops participating or key financial details remain undisclosed, the mediator can end the process. But they won’t suggest litigation or provide a legal strategy. That’s the attorney’s role.
Misconception #5: You don’t need a lawyer to mediate
Mediation is often more collaborative than litigation, but it’s still a legal process with long-term consequences. Going into it without legal guidance creates unnecessary risk.
The role of an attorney in mediation isn’t the same as in court, but it’s still essential. Depending on the case, an attorney might attend sessions or provide guidance behind the scenes. Either way, they help their client prepare, evaluate proposals, and avoid outcomes that don’t reflect their rights or goals.
Consider a scenario where spousal support is being discussed. An attorney can help determine whether the payments should be fixed or subject to future changes, which may affect both parties’ financial stability years later.
Considering mediation?
Mediation can be part of a well-planned divorce strategy—but only when it fits the circumstances. Before moving forward, it’s worth speaking with an attorney who understands the full scope of your situation and can help you decide what approach makes sense.
Schedule a strategic planning session today to explore your next steps.
