One moment, things seem calm—your spouse is cooperative, and an agreement on custody or who gets the house feels within reach. The next, emotions flare, and everything is unsettled again.
Divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can feel like weathering an unpredictable storm season. When that unpredictability enters the legal process, it can lead to cycles of escalation, retraction, and emotional burnout.
Understanding the patterns—and preparing for them strategically—can help you maintain clarity even when the situation feels anything but clear. Knowing what to expect doesn’t always make things easy, but it makes creating a future-focused strategy easier.
What is BPD, and what does it mean for the divorce process?
Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how a person processes emotions, forms attachments, and responds to perceived rejection or abandonment. Individuals with BPD may have intense mood swings and find it difficult to regulate emotions and maintain stable relationships.
Divorce is already rife with emotional challenges and can put people at odds. For those people who have BPD, these difficulties are especially pronounced during divorce. An individual with BPD might have unpredictable reactions or sudden shifts in behavior, especially during emotional conversations or legal negotiations.
This might play out in the form of:
- Escalating legal conflict when issues you believe were previously settled—like the parenting schedule or asset division—are suddenly rearing their head, and decisions are being challenged or reversed
- Struggles with co-parenting structure, including last-minute cancellations, refusal to follow custody orders, or attempts to change agreed-upon routines
- Impulsive financial behavior, such as draining joint accounts, making unplanned purchases (especially expensive or lavish ones), or hiding assets in reaction to stress
- Disrupted legal timelines, including failure to provide documents, filing excessive motions, or switching attorneys mid-case and in many cases, choosing to represent themselves
These situations can be draining, but they don’t mean your divorce can’t move forward. With the right support and legal strategy, staying focused on your goals and finding concrete ways to de-stress your divorce is possible.
Managing conflict when emotions escalate
Divorce often involves tough conversations. But when one spouse has BPD, the tone of those conversations can swing sharply, sometimes without warning.
One day, your ex might want to resolve things amicably. Next, they’re revisiting old arguments or accusing you of betrayal. These shifts aren’t always calculated—they’re often tied to fears of loss or rejection. Yet that doesn’t make them less difficult to deal with.
To keep things on a more level field—whether during negotiations or your one-on-one interactions—these tactics can help:
- Use structured communication tools. Co-parenting apps, emails, or attorney-facilitated exchanges create space and accountability.
- Stick to boundaries. Keep the focus on parenting schedules, finances, or logistics, not emotional history.
- Remove words like “I believe” or “I feel” or “You said/did” from your communications and stick to facts and logistics only.
- Track important conversations. If decisions or terms keep changing, documentation becomes your best tool. Refer to written Orders, Agreements, or binding obligations to keep consistency.
- Let your attorney step in when needed. They can filter communication and help you avoid unproductive back-and-forth.
You can’t control the other person’s reactions, but you can create a system that keeps things steady.
Navigating custody disagreements and co-parenting challenges
When children are involved, divorce is rarely only about schedules and paperwork. For parents with BPD, fears of separation or losing control can turn co-parenting into a high-stakes emotional struggle.
This can impact big-picture issues—such as parenting time plans or child support agreements—but it can be just as hard to navigate daily situations like custody exchanges or child-related communications.
Let’s say a parent with BPD sends their co-parent dozens of inflammatory texts per day, accusing them of neglect and demanding changes to the custody schedule. In some cases,that parent may show up early for an exchange, or not show at all. In other cases they may be late, and refuse to provide an answer or update as to their status. The volatility makes it hard to maintain routines for the children.
In this situation, it might be necessary to incorporate additional tools to manage the relationship, such as:
- A court-filed parenting plan. The more detailed it is, the less room for confusion or misinterpretation. Add in pickup and dropoff times, locations, how long you need to wait for the other party, and other such details to keep things very narrow in terms of ambiguity.
- Document communication in a shared app. This helps keep things factual and traceable while giving both parents an emotional and logistical buffer.
- Enforcement measures for the parenting plan. If the other parent repeatedly disregards agreements, an attorney can help you pursue a legal remedy.
At Jacobs Berger, we often work with clients to craft highly-specific parenting plans—not just to set boundaries, but to support consistency and minimize disruptions for the children. These plans can include communication expectations, response times, and procedures for schedule changes.
Protecting financial stability during divorce
The financial side of divorce often feels like a rising pressure system. Emotional decisions and impulsive spending can quickly throw long-term planning off course.
If your spouse makes sudden financial decisions, overspends, or ignores previous agreements, it’s important to act early to protect yourself. For example, one spouse might drain a joint account under the pretense of buying “essentials,” only to spend the funds on high-end purchases, last-minute travel, or electronics.
In situations like this, gathering documentation and working with your legal team to request a financial restraining order can help preserve assets and create a clearer picture for equitable distribution.
Collect financial documentation early
Start by securing recent bank statements, tax returns, retirement account information, and other relevant financial documentation. The earlier and more thoroughly you gather these materials, the easier it is to establish a financial baseline.
Consider a financial restraining order
If there’s a risk of large withdrawals or asset transfers, an agreement or order early on in the case restricting unilateral financial movement can temporarily restrict major financial moves until the divorce is finalized.
Use forensic accounting when necessary
If you suspect your spouse is hiding assets or misrepresenting spending, a forensic accountant can review records and flag concerns that may not be visible on the surface.
Make sure financial agreements are enforceable
When financial terms are included in a court-approved settlement or final judgment, you can enforce them through legal channels, helping reduce future disputes. However, trying to anticipate collection concerns and including security vehicles, collection measures, and even sanctions for failing to comply can help reduce post-judgment stress.
The goal here isn’t just to divide assets; it’s to avoid future financial surprises and build a more stable economic future for yourself.
Using legal tools to create consistency
When informal agreements keep falling apart or communication is inconsistent, the legal system can provide much-needed structure. You don’t have to file motion after motion, but having the right tools gives you something to rely on when everything else feels unstable.
Consider:
- Court orders instead of verbal agreements. If your ex keeps shifting the goalposts, formalize the terms to establish accountability and build in enforcement measures.
- Mediation or structured negotiation. Although it’s often thought that mediation doesn’t work in high-conflict situations, a trained mediator can bring a skillful approach to communication that focuses on solving problems rather than rehashing them.
- A legal team that understands the dynamic. Not every lawyer is equipped for emotionally complex cases—choose someone who is.
Jacobs Berger takes a team-based, detail-forward approach to high-conflict cases. We work closely with therapists, financial advisors, and other professionals to ensure that every part of your strategy—legal, financial, and emotional—is calibrated to keep you protected and moving forward.
Strategic tips for managing a complex divorce dynamic
Even with the right legal plan, complex emotions can make the process feel like an uphill climb. These practical approaches can help you stay grounded and focused:
- Respond rather than react. If your ex sends a charged message, take a beat. You’re not required to answer at the moment.
- Pick your battles. If something doesn’t affect custody, finances, or the legal process, it might not be worth the energy.
- Lean on professionals. Therapists, parenting coordinators, and financial experts can help fill in the gaps so you have as much support as possible.
- Stick to what you can influence. If your ex delays a filing, your attorney can request deadlines or court-enforced steps.
- Protect your mental energy. Fatigue leads to rushed decisions. Step away when needed. It’s not avoidance—it’s strategy.
Get strategic legal guidance for emotionally complex divorces
Divorcing someone with BPD traits can have significant challenges, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. When the emotional landscape is unpredictable, a steady legal strategy and experienced guidance can make all the difference.
At Jacobs Berger, LLC, we help clients manage complex divorces with clarity and confidence—whether protecting parenting time, stabilizing finances, or building a plan that reduces daily conflict.
Schedule a strategy session today to talk through your next steps and get a plan that fits your family.
